she has no idea
why we’re all
peering at her
while her mouth
is held open
and her legs
one arm
and her head
are held still
no cavities
in her perfect teeth
for a while she
liked nothing
now she’s hungry
and likes it all
but still one of her
grandmothers says
this is the only little girl
that doesn’t like sweets
halloween is here again
2 weeks after her birthday.
her mother wants to dress
her like a cannoli.
I say no one
will know what she is.
her mother says
we’ll explain.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
lucia unweighted
Today I took Lu swimming.
I had to be convinced by
my wife even though
it’s something I’ve wanted to do.
The Y has a shallow warm pool
that old people walk in and
children play in. There are wheelchairs
in the corner marked with the
floor numbers of the rehab floor
of the hospital across the street.
Lucia was confused by the water
and tried lifting her right leg to the
surface like it was a step.
Then she was unweighted.
Her right leg rose like it
was made of wood
and she let me lay her
on her back as her neck relaxed.
Who could have told me that Lucia
can put her head underwater, pause,
blow air out of her mouth and nose,
and surface wet haired and smiling?
Nobody, but I knew.
I had to be convinced by
my wife even though
it’s something I’ve wanted to do.
The Y has a shallow warm pool
that old people walk in and
children play in. There are wheelchairs
in the corner marked with the
floor numbers of the rehab floor
of the hospital across the street.
Lucia was confused by the water
and tried lifting her right leg to the
surface like it was a step.
Then she was unweighted.
Her right leg rose like it
was made of wood
and she let me lay her
on her back as her neck relaxed.
Who could have told me that Lucia
can put her head underwater, pause,
blow air out of her mouth and nose,
and surface wet haired and smiling?
Nobody, but I knew.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
i wake to awaken her
@430 am
the critical hour
between holding it
and getting up to pee
I give up and walk past Lucia’s room.
We have a screen door there
so we can see in and it
latches from the outside
so she can’t just wander.
I hear the music she plays
by touching a button on a book.
She’s laying down
and going back to sleep.
I return to bed and doze.
In her room I find her
in a bunk bed without a top bunk.
I lay beside her and say
I love you Lu.
She says
I love you daddy.
I look at my glowing watch
and try to wake myself up
but am unable.
She says I understand.
I say I hear you.
She seems a genius
because she speaks.
She is sad
old and wise
and consoles me
as I wake to awaken her
the critical hour
between holding it
and getting up to pee
I give up and walk past Lucia’s room.
We have a screen door there
so we can see in and it
latches from the outside
so she can’t just wander.
I hear the music she plays
by touching a button on a book.
She’s laying down
and going back to sleep.
I return to bed and doze.
In her room I find her
in a bunk bed without a top bunk.
I lay beside her and say
I love you Lu.
She says
I love you daddy.
I look at my glowing watch
and try to wake myself up
but am unable.
She says I understand.
I say I hear you.
She seems a genius
because she speaks.
She is sad
old and wise
and consoles me
as I wake to awaken her
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
untitled
To be broken hearted
you have to be aware
that you are loved.
I wish a
broken heart
for her and wonder
if ceaseless joy
with occasional frustrations
is a blessing or a curse.
She returns to the steps
of the house where we live
even when I walk past
them as a test. She stretches
when I pull the car in
under the tree in front
of our house.
It’s recognition at the
light changing under the
leaves. She didn’t do it
in the winter.
I’ve noticed it
this spring.
She must see the slant
of the steps that
sit at an angle
to the sidewalk.
She recognizes
the shape of home.
you have to be aware
that you are loved.
I wish a
broken heart
for her and wonder
if ceaseless joy
with occasional frustrations
is a blessing or a curse.
She returns to the steps
of the house where we live
even when I walk past
them as a test. She stretches
when I pull the car in
under the tree in front
of our house.
It’s recognition at the
light changing under the
leaves. She didn’t do it
in the winter.
I’ve noticed it
this spring.
She must see the slant
of the steps that
sit at an angle
to the sidewalk.
She recognizes
the shape of home.
bragging
1.
one side of her is
smaller than the other
our neurologist told us.
the discrepancy between
the size of her thumbs
when they’re held
against one another.
one side will grow less.
apparently your brain
makes you grow.
2.
she inched her left foot
over the top step and
then with all her weight
on her withered right half
stepped down
and then did the
same three times fast
almost falling forward
before alighting
on the sidewalk.
this is not how
the physical therapists
say to do it–they say
good girls go up
bad girls go down
meaning that the weight
bearing limb does the
hard work.
lucia is unphased
and now goes to the left
if there is a railing.
after the steps
I raised my arms
triumphantly
then walked her to the red car
which is mine and
she goes to in
the parking lot
full of other
people’s cars.
one side of her is
smaller than the other
our neurologist told us.
the discrepancy between
the size of her thumbs
when they’re held
against one another.
one side will grow less.
apparently your brain
makes you grow.
2.
she inched her left foot
over the top step and
then with all her weight
on her withered right half
stepped down
and then did the
same three times fast
almost falling forward
before alighting
on the sidewalk.
this is not how
the physical therapists
say to do it–they say
good girls go up
bad girls go down
meaning that the weight
bearing limb does the
hard work.
lucia is unphased
and now goes to the left
if there is a railing.
after the steps
I raised my arms
triumphantly
then walked her to the red car
which is mine and
she goes to in
the parking lot
full of other
people’s cars.
pushing it
I told my wife
you have to flush
the toilet
so the dogs
have something
to drink
and chuckled.
I’d had enough
to drink
what are you
doing to jerry
he shouldn’t
have to drink pee
I couldn’t
stop pushing it
you have to flush
the toilet
so the dogs
have something
to drink
and chuckled.
I’d had enough
to drink
what are you
doing to jerry
he shouldn’t
have to drink pee
I couldn’t
stop pushing it
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The main line that goes to the sewer
this morning there was a fountain coming from the hole in the basement.
the secretary at the sewer place laughingly told me that was the main line.
she had been quite solemn until I charmed her with my ignorance of plumbing.
two guys and their machine showed up 6 hours later and
worked some sort of coiled thing through the pipes that
run under my house to the street. one of them had a stool
to sit on and sat wide legged like he was throwing a pot.
I went back to work and tried not to worry and when my phone
rang as I was telling a fellow about life after his heart attack
I said "sorry I have to take this. this is really important."
I was as concerned this afternoon as I had
been about lucia's hospital bills.
I had a sense of relief when I was told they had pushed through
with their jet streamed water and didn't need to use the camera
that was almost worth the anxiety. this was the type of
thing I was born to worry about. I had thought maybe we'd have to
shit in the garden and for a moment could see being grateful that
lucia is still in diapers. at home that night the water in the
toilet and the sink seemed to run down the drain straighter and faster.
there are things under our feet that can be dug up and that seem as ancient
as rome and are made of clay infiltrated with roots and go
out to the street that is the city's responsibility . once in ireland
walking my cart up to the bridge to sell sunglasses and earrings
I saw two men pull a dripping basket up from a hole in the street.
it was early and the stench was foul. that was on the quay alongside
the liffey. tonight my house smelled of nothing but dogs and cats.
the plumbers left the basement cleaner than it was yesterday.
the secretary at the sewer place laughingly told me that was the main line.
she had been quite solemn until I charmed her with my ignorance of plumbing.
two guys and their machine showed up 6 hours later and
worked some sort of coiled thing through the pipes that
run under my house to the street. one of them had a stool
to sit on and sat wide legged like he was throwing a pot.
I went back to work and tried not to worry and when my phone
rang as I was telling a fellow about life after his heart attack
I said "sorry I have to take this. this is really important."
I was as concerned this afternoon as I had
been about lucia's hospital bills.
I had a sense of relief when I was told they had pushed through
with their jet streamed water and didn't need to use the camera
that was almost worth the anxiety. this was the type of
thing I was born to worry about. I had thought maybe we'd have to
shit in the garden and for a moment could see being grateful that
lucia is still in diapers. at home that night the water in the
toilet and the sink seemed to run down the drain straighter and faster.
there are things under our feet that can be dug up and that seem as ancient
as rome and are made of clay infiltrated with roots and go
out to the street that is the city's responsibility . once in ireland
walking my cart up to the bridge to sell sunglasses and earrings
I saw two men pull a dripping basket up from a hole in the street.
it was early and the stench was foul. that was on the quay alongside
the liffey. tonight my house smelled of nothing but dogs and cats.
the plumbers left the basement cleaner than it was yesterday.
Diagnosis
We told the school social worker
that Lucia likes to run
from couch to couch and from
one end of the house to the other.
She said "oh that's the autism.
a self soothing thing."
No I said nope. That's not it.
She's not like a polar bear
wearing a rut in the stone.
She runs because she likes it.
Because she likes to run.
It was no use explaining joy to her.
And who could explain something
like joy in any case?
We know Lucia is happy
doing certain things
and our routine with
her is inexplicable.
I won't break down
how we walk certain places
and how it feels
to put one foot in front of the other
alongside my daughter. Who could?
Lucia used to only
come up to the window sill.
We have no notches along doorways
but remember what
she didn't hit her head on
6 months ago and
what she hits her head on now.
When Lucia is running down
the sunny sidewalk and she pivots
to run back towards me
her right leg is the fulcrum
between her shadow and herself.
that Lucia likes to run
from couch to couch and from
one end of the house to the other.
She said "oh that's the autism.
a self soothing thing."
No I said nope. That's not it.
She's not like a polar bear
wearing a rut in the stone.
She runs because she likes it.
Because she likes to run.
It was no use explaining joy to her.
And who could explain something
like joy in any case?
We know Lucia is happy
doing certain things
and our routine with
her is inexplicable.
I won't break down
how we walk certain places
and how it feels
to put one foot in front of the other
alongside my daughter. Who could?
Lucia used to only
come up to the window sill.
We have no notches along doorways
but remember what
she didn't hit her head on
6 months ago and
what she hits her head on now.
When Lucia is running down
the sunny sidewalk and she pivots
to run back towards me
her right leg is the fulcrum
between her shadow and herself.
Monday, April 25, 2011
bad and unjust news
better him than his children
but not better him
than their grandparents
why couldn't it be
us says the grandmother.
nobody deserves such things
but we're old.
the cataract moon is
in the sky and we dwell
here in its shadows.
a deluge of cancer and disaster
we leave for work healthy
and come home sick
but not better him
than their grandparents
why couldn't it be
us says the grandmother.
nobody deserves such things
but we're old.
the cataract moon is
in the sky and we dwell
here in its shadows.
a deluge of cancer and disaster
we leave for work healthy
and come home sick
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